Do you like my essay?
Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 8:27 pm
I was told to write a free-style narrative essay in class, and I came up with this little short story. Is it too long? Is it too short? I hope all you that like to read can critique this for me so I don't turn in crap! If you liked it, let me know what you liked about it! Thanks!
Down by The Riverbed
The riverbed was especially calm in the morning. Green frogs leaped from lily pad to lily pad generating interruptions of the stoic brackish water. Tim Jones pulled back his long curly midnight black hair and snuggled a New York baseball cap on his head. He grabbed his fishing pole and made his way to the river barefoot. Birds flew out in the far distance assembling a wedge formation before disappearing into the fluffy white clouds.
Tim walked over to his bait bucket and pulled out an active shrimp, the shrimp struggled but was no match for his grip, then it slowly slid into the pointy metal fish hook, still squirming, as Tim thrust the shrimp and his fishing line into the placid lake. California was looking very spectacular today. In the distance, was an orange arch-like mountain hovering over the elongated river and it cast a mirror image over the water.
Tim remembered his neighbor talking about how mysterious the water was, how he'd seen huge splashes at odd ends of the night. On the other hand, he remembered his neighbor also talking about alien abductions and the Yeti working for the CIA. He smirked at the ludicrous thought. Tim commenced staring off over the water.
Suddenly, there was a quick rustle in the brush behind him and it immediately caught his attention and left a shiver up his spine. Silence ensued, and then Tim felt a strange sensation that he was not alone."He-hello?" he questioned at nothing behind him. That sense of urgency struck him, that maybe he should get out of his current location. Tim Jones started reeling in his fishing line at a steady pace, then, suddenly the line snagged abruptly. "No – no!" he murmured and started to fight his line's jerking motions. He looked back behind him to make sure a Sasquatch with razor sharp teeth or a lion that escaped from a nearby zoo wasn't behind him. There was still nothing there when he looked behind him, but that eerie feeling of being watched closely. He had a big fish on the other end of his line; that was certain!
The pole swayed to the left and to the right as Tim held on trying desperately not to lose it. His toes dug into the sand and shortly after he was on his knees pulling the fishing pole with all his might. The tension was visible on his line, then suddenly -snap! His fishing pole broke in two, as he held on to the other half, hitting his face in the moist black dirt.
The water was restless now, no longer calm and collect, Tim’s heart raced along with the ripple effects in the water. Tim hurriedly assembled his fishing gear and threw out the remainder of his bait into the brown water. He caught his breath and made his way up the hill to the car. The bushes wrestled behind him and Tim caught a glimpse of a raccoon eating berries. “Ha! It’s just a raccoon!" Tim scoffed, turning back around towards his car. His second step was halted by a big fluffy wall of wild brown fur. Tim looked up while instantaneously dropping all his gear in the process. Fear was the only emotion circulating through him, as he looked up slowly into the eyes of a ferocious grizzly bear.
Four cubs came into view as he slowly stepped back. Gravity came back into effect and he rolled down the hill while a loud booming roar echoed in his ears. Back in the damp sand he was, face first. The bear was now rushing towards him and for this instance he remembered: If you play dead, your chances of surviving a bear attack are higher! He lay motionless in the blackness of his closed eyes. His shirt rose up like a vacuum as the grizzly bear sniffed. Fear plunged over poor Tim, as his life started flashing before his eyes. It was a good life, he thought. Never hurt anybody yet, never caused a ruckus, yes… He lived a good life. Tim started to shake uncontrollably in his right leg; he summoned his strength to make it stop.
His hair pulled up from his head as the orange bear investigated over him. His leg started shaking again and he tensed his muscles to stop it, this caught the attention of the bear and within seconds, the sharp pain of a dozen knives clashed into his leg all at once.
Tim bit into the sand, tears gushed from his green eyes as he latched on, hoping his technique would come more into effect. He lay motionless, crying on the inside. The pounding of the bear's footsteps were especially loud, and then they started fading away back uphill. Tim Jones felt the blood leaving his body, the murky water slowly became a tint of red next to him. He knew he needed to apply pressure, so he took off his shirt and wrapped it tightly around his leg; he began crawling, while holding onto his leg in agony. He needed to get to his car! The keys rustled in his pants, all he cared about was ensuring he had his keys. Tim struggled, wiggling his body and using his arms to lift him forward, towards paradise, towards his car. To him, his car was now that glorious light at the end of the tunnel.
Half way up the hill he was greeted by the raccoon, which scurried over to his leg and began nibbling on his tender flesh, Tim shooed the critter away with one flailing arm and it leaped frantically into the brush. He inched his way closer to his safe haven; he was at the tires now! Tim crawled and reached the car door of his Honda Heaven. He opened it and crawled up while a sharp pain engulfed his leg. He grabbed onto the handlebar hovering above his head inside his car, and pulled himself up shakily onto the seat.
"My…phone! I need my phone!" He exclaimed. He ripped open his center console like a madman, trembling, lifted his phone out of the cup holder. Tim’s fingers shook as he dialed 9-1-1. Tim murmured his location and what happened and in mid sentence blacked out due to the loss of blood. Sirens woke him up from his nightmare. Or, so he thought. Hands cluttered over him dropping him onto a stretcher, the ambulance ride to the hospital was played out by different sceneries every time he chose to open his eyes. He survived a grizzly bear attack, a feat that rarely occurs.
Down by The Riverbed
The riverbed was especially calm in the morning. Green frogs leaped from lily pad to lily pad generating interruptions of the stoic brackish water. Tim Jones pulled back his long curly midnight black hair and snuggled a New York baseball cap on his head. He grabbed his fishing pole and made his way to the river barefoot. Birds flew out in the far distance assembling a wedge formation before disappearing into the fluffy white clouds.
Tim walked over to his bait bucket and pulled out an active shrimp, the shrimp struggled but was no match for his grip, then it slowly slid into the pointy metal fish hook, still squirming, as Tim thrust the shrimp and his fishing line into the placid lake. California was looking very spectacular today. In the distance, was an orange arch-like mountain hovering over the elongated river and it cast a mirror image over the water.
Tim remembered his neighbor talking about how mysterious the water was, how he'd seen huge splashes at odd ends of the night. On the other hand, he remembered his neighbor also talking about alien abductions and the Yeti working for the CIA. He smirked at the ludicrous thought. Tim commenced staring off over the water.
Suddenly, there was a quick rustle in the brush behind him and it immediately caught his attention and left a shiver up his spine. Silence ensued, and then Tim felt a strange sensation that he was not alone."He-hello?" he questioned at nothing behind him. That sense of urgency struck him, that maybe he should get out of his current location. Tim Jones started reeling in his fishing line at a steady pace, then, suddenly the line snagged abruptly. "No – no!" he murmured and started to fight his line's jerking motions. He looked back behind him to make sure a Sasquatch with razor sharp teeth or a lion that escaped from a nearby zoo wasn't behind him. There was still nothing there when he looked behind him, but that eerie feeling of being watched closely. He had a big fish on the other end of his line; that was certain!
The pole swayed to the left and to the right as Tim held on trying desperately not to lose it. His toes dug into the sand and shortly after he was on his knees pulling the fishing pole with all his might. The tension was visible on his line, then suddenly -snap! His fishing pole broke in two, as he held on to the other half, hitting his face in the moist black dirt.
The water was restless now, no longer calm and collect, Tim’s heart raced along with the ripple effects in the water. Tim hurriedly assembled his fishing gear and threw out the remainder of his bait into the brown water. He caught his breath and made his way up the hill to the car. The bushes wrestled behind him and Tim caught a glimpse of a raccoon eating berries. “Ha! It’s just a raccoon!" Tim scoffed, turning back around towards his car. His second step was halted by a big fluffy wall of wild brown fur. Tim looked up while instantaneously dropping all his gear in the process. Fear was the only emotion circulating through him, as he looked up slowly into the eyes of a ferocious grizzly bear.
Four cubs came into view as he slowly stepped back. Gravity came back into effect and he rolled down the hill while a loud booming roar echoed in his ears. Back in the damp sand he was, face first. The bear was now rushing towards him and for this instance he remembered: If you play dead, your chances of surviving a bear attack are higher! He lay motionless in the blackness of his closed eyes. His shirt rose up like a vacuum as the grizzly bear sniffed. Fear plunged over poor Tim, as his life started flashing before his eyes. It was a good life, he thought. Never hurt anybody yet, never caused a ruckus, yes… He lived a good life. Tim started to shake uncontrollably in his right leg; he summoned his strength to make it stop.
His hair pulled up from his head as the orange bear investigated over him. His leg started shaking again and he tensed his muscles to stop it, this caught the attention of the bear and within seconds, the sharp pain of a dozen knives clashed into his leg all at once.
Tim bit into the sand, tears gushed from his green eyes as he latched on, hoping his technique would come more into effect. He lay motionless, crying on the inside. The pounding of the bear's footsteps were especially loud, and then they started fading away back uphill. Tim Jones felt the blood leaving his body, the murky water slowly became a tint of red next to him. He knew he needed to apply pressure, so he took off his shirt and wrapped it tightly around his leg; he began crawling, while holding onto his leg in agony. He needed to get to his car! The keys rustled in his pants, all he cared about was ensuring he had his keys. Tim struggled, wiggling his body and using his arms to lift him forward, towards paradise, towards his car. To him, his car was now that glorious light at the end of the tunnel.
Half way up the hill he was greeted by the raccoon, which scurried over to his leg and began nibbling on his tender flesh, Tim shooed the critter away with one flailing arm and it leaped frantically into the brush. He inched his way closer to his safe haven; he was at the tires now! Tim crawled and reached the car door of his Honda Heaven. He opened it and crawled up while a sharp pain engulfed his leg. He grabbed onto the handlebar hovering above his head inside his car, and pulled himself up shakily onto the seat.
"My…phone! I need my phone!" He exclaimed. He ripped open his center console like a madman, trembling, lifted his phone out of the cup holder. Tim’s fingers shook as he dialed 9-1-1. Tim murmured his location and what happened and in mid sentence blacked out due to the loss of blood. Sirens woke him up from his nightmare. Or, so he thought. Hands cluttered over him dropping him onto a stretcher, the ambulance ride to the hospital was played out by different sceneries every time he chose to open his eyes. He survived a grizzly bear attack, a feat that rarely occurs.
